Man vs Squirrel

Le Coca Cola n'est pas un moyen de contraception.

2008-12-18T09:50:00.001-08:00

http://www.cyberpresse.ca/vivre/sante/200812/18/01-811468-le-coca-cola-nest-pas-un-moyen-de-contraception.php

J'espère que c'est clair.

Good deal?

2008-04-08T13:24:00.000-07:00

Canadian Government leaflet, taken from a Centre de Services Canada.

Your computer is slow

2008-02-22T09:21:00.000-08:00

Today, even the installation wizard decided to remind me about the speed of my countryside internet connexion:
(I wish to precise that this snapshot hasn't been modified in any way, that's how it was during the installation!)

Holy Discovery

2008-02-20T15:24:00.000-08:00

Oh yes, Alleluia!

I finally found it, guys!
It was on Claudio's wine shelves.

The problem is that it ain't coming with

the glass.

Jonathon Chavingston Seagull

2008-02-19T08:28:00.000-08:00

Sidling outside the cinema for a sly roll-up in between shifts and my eyes are caught by a perculiar sight, or to be more precise, several perculiar sights. There is one across the road strutting on top of a bin. Another harrasses a smaller group of allies with a vocal screech that sounds like Cher trying to pass a kidney-stone. Above me I see one's face perched on the roof of the cinema, giving me an evil stare, while far in the distance I hear the sound of many more, a flock of them, moving ever more hastily towards the rally.
Now I hear their words; pitched from their gullets in a dull cadence that rings out like the flat buzz of an old telephone. I find it hard to decipher exactly what theyre talking about but recurring words constantly crop up. Words like 'innit', 'am I though?' and 'lend us two's'. In a crescendo of noise, the word 'daakheaddd' is chanted, over and over again, until it reaches maximum volume and all hell breaks loose; car alarms go off in all directions, dogs howl into the night sky, lights flicker in terraced houses and a dark omninous cloud manifests and looms over the street.
As the calamity reaches a head I begin to witness the transformation that seaside towns like mine have always feared. Long have I suspected the connection which is taking shape, as hundreds of tracksuit wearing Chavs mutate before me. I tremble in fear as eyeballs reduce in colour and shape until they are small, black and perfectly circular. I gawp out loud as mouths extend out, being replaced by a long orange beaks. My knees give way as giant graceless wings rip through the backs of Lacoste hoodies and rise high in the air like the hammer of Zues, then begin to flap aggresively one after another. While doing so their distented torsos' stick out with ignorant pride and their smooth white heads, no longer housing the delicate perch of baseball caps, jitter from side to side.
Then the unified cry returns as one by one, giant Chav Seagulls take to the sky and fly away, leaving in their wake a landscape of terror and destruction. Society's scavengers have merged together and in one horrible act become more powerful than ever.
As the flock flies in the direction of the South Bay Arcades their sound can still be heard echoing through the empty streets: 'daakheadd'...'daaakheaaaadddddd'...'daaakheeeaaadddddddd'.. untill it slowly fades out into nothing and all that remains is our very own fear.

A CALL TO ARMS!

2008-02-05T04:29:00.000-08:00

Today I'm writing about an 'issue' that is dividing the nation. Such is so that it has become apparent that something must be done to stop it. We see it on the front pages of such noteable broadsheets as The Express and The Mail everyday. We fear for our communities, our job security and our national identities. Everyday we are faced with losing part of our country to a mass influx of strange people with strange faces. Many young families are now too afraid to go outside their homes in case they are confronted with these horrid 'alien' like creatures, barking their homegrown nonsense speak across to eachother in busy shopping malls and town squares. It has also been confirmed recently that the rumours are true: they are even setting up their own businesses!
Many of you have I'm sure already guessed of whom I'm referring to. That's right.. ORANGE PEOPLE. yes, ORANGE PEOPLE!. I'm talking about people like this: (viewer discretion is advised)

What is going on with civilised society when we allow our men and women to parade themselves in such a way? Seriousley, my eyes are offended daily by these monstrosities. As I walk down the street I find myself repeatedly ducking out the way of a giant orange beacon hurtling along the pavement, gabbing on her mobile in a tone of voice that can only be compared to a seagul choking on a battered sausage. God Almighty!

So I'm writing this article as a manifesto:

No more will we have to fight for our own culture in our own country!
No more will we feel uncomfortable taking our own children out of the house at the weekend or to pick them up from school during the week.
No more will have to come face to face with these monsters!
We will rise up with our God given right as Englishmen to deride, humiliate and socially ostricize those who stand out from the rest, and see it to them that they never tarnish the aesthetic pleasures of our urban landscape again!
I thankyou

Be healthy!

2008-01-09T07:23:00.001-08:00

In 2008, I'm going to do something to improve my wellbeing!
I'm going to drink Coca-Cola.

No joke, look at this!

Diet Coke PLUS Vitamins or Anti Oxydant;

A little plus for my vitality and wellbeing!

A little plus for my hectic lifestyle!

I can't resist to do myself some good, so I get two bottles of the divine elixir.

Does it taste like Healthiness? Let's try.

(Your host doesn't back off in front of any risk! I like to live dangerously, indeed.)

Slurp.

" Carbonated low calorie green tea flavour soft drink with vegetable extracts with sweeteners plus green tea & antioxydant vitamin C ". That's what it really is, a bit less appealing isn't? The drink itself tastes like flat coke with some iced tea cordial added in it, which seems to bring the digusting aftertaste of sweeteners well in front of other flavors.

" Carbonated low calorie soft drink with vegetable extracts with sweeteners plus vitamins ". That's the vitamin one. It has a weird note of melon in its taste.

Now, Let's put on our scientific goggles. If my Coke contains vitamins and antioxydants, does it still contains all that rubbish that is said to cause cancer ectaetera? Is that "rubbish" really bad for you?

Colouring (Caramel E150d): The International Programme on Chemical Safety (IPCS), despite widespread claims that caramel is toxic or carcinogenic, has found no evidence of carcinogenicity or mutagenicity in its extensive studies.

Phosphoric acid, which is used to give a tangy taste, is linked to lose of calcium mass in bones and kidney problems. Conclusion of some studies says that it's not because people drink coke, though, but because they don't drink enough milk. (Which is likely when you down your 2L bottle of coke during the day, eh).

Sweeteners: those used in Coke are Acesulfame Potassium and Aspartame. Acesulfame is recognized as safe; In the case of aspartame, some studies suggest that there is a link between it and headaches, brain tumor and lesions, and lymphoma.

Preservative (potassium sorbate): Is a mild preservative and is not recognized as harmful or toxic.

Flavorings the primary flavoring ingredients in a cola drink are sugar, vanilla, cinnamon and caffeine; Caffeine, as we know, can cause unpleasant physical and mental conditions if ingested in large quantities.

Also, it is known that most soft drinks, diet or not, have an acidic PH, which leads to tooth degradation faster.

So, in conclusion, Diet soft drinks are not as harmful as people might say, and they'll do no harm but have a strong taste of sweeteners, if taken in moderation. Which is not an encouragment to go and buy yourself a 24-pack of Vitamin-added Coke. What about a fruit salad?

Enough said, I'm giving up coke and getting myself a gin & tonic.

Obviously, Coke products are © Coca-cola corporation. All the images are © me.

oi!

2008-01-09T03:44:00.000-08:00

..and so I got fat and drank too much and said hello to a new year in typically anticlimactic fashion; setting off a collection of rubbish fireworks and eating a greasy kebab served up to me by some of scarborough finest polish gastronomes.
and then came my resolution. a chance to better myself, or put an end to one of those ugly little vices that's been eating away at me over the years. i opted for something productive: to learn french.
then i realised that learning french is something i actually want to do, and probably will, given time. i thought to myself that resolutions are not to be kept, they are to be broken! after all, who ever seriously gives up chocolote or starts jogging for longer than a week? quitters, that's who!
so i've now opted for something that is quite impossible to maintain:
an end to the viewing of mindlessly violent cockney gangster films.
case in point: Rise of the Foot Soldier.
I made the decision after watching this turgid piece of celluloid a couple of days ago. I know deep down in my cold black heart that similar films will come and go in the future, and no doubt I'll see some of them. Maybe even some will be watchable.
But in all honesty, the English gangster film has become a joke. I am preying for something that rivals the classic Mafia movie a la Goodfellas, The Godfather etc. A film that's as extreme in it's portrayal of violence as is subtle in it's psychology. In other words, not two dull hours of chiched cockney wideboy stupidity, culminating in an orgy of unrealistic gore. Call me oldfashioned.

On a more upbeat note, I am forever being impressed by the charm and austere of Shane Meadows. Last year I was blown away by 'This is England' which lead me to his earlier film 'A Room for Romeo Brass'. Here is a movie where only the threat of violence is twice as poweful as a hundred mangled fat heads. It's central performance by Paddy Considine had me crying with laughter and slightly scared at the same time, which is no easy feat.

Here's to more films like that and less Guy Ritchie flake-offs.

What's been going on/Did I miss something?

2007-12-20T10:18:00.000-08:00

For better or worse I've spent these last few weeks attempting to 'catch up' on the musical side of 2007 (was blissfully ignorant for several months!). Of course, I've deliberately avoided plenty, including many bands with the word 'the' at the beginning and anything endorsed by Jo Whiley, but who's paying attention?

So in no particular order here are some of my favourite album releases from 2007, as well as a link to a video for each one:

Beirut: The Flying Club Cup

The second full length album by Santa Fe native and all round precocious bastard Zach Condon. The Flying Club Cup saw Condon crooning his way through a set of stirring gypsy-like, horn laden folk ditties; like providing the soundtrack to a fantasised drunken revolution.
Here's a link to a video of Beirut playing on the street in France...You go gypsy boy!

Justice: †

Funky, housey, poppy dance from a Parisian duo who I can safely say have listened to their fair share of Daft Punk over the years. Maybe a bit of an obvious choice, plus I'm not even sure if this came out in 07 or late 06, but whatever, it's still new to me.

Thisis the video for D.A.N.C.E

Malajube: Trompe-l'œil

OK, this definitely came out in 2006 in Canada and possibly the rest of America but I'm pretty sure it didn't get it's UK release until sometime this summer. I heard it through my Quebecois girlfriend, where the band hail from, and loved it immediately. Actually it was probably the first time I heard a band singing in French and thought 'this rocks'. Who'd've thunk it?

Le videoclip; c'est bon!

Von Sudenfed: Tromatic Reflexxions

What do you get when you cross a cantankerous old git from Manchester and an electronic music duo from Germany? Answer = Von Sudenfed. Seriously, this album is excellent. It made me love Mouse on Mars even more and with Mark E Smith adding his incoherent vocals, clarified the connection between LCD Soundsytem and The Fall!

Six Organs of Admittance: Shelter From The Ash

I've always loved Ben Chasny for his guitar work, in particular with his principal project Six Organs of Admittance. His latest offering has so far come across like a slightly more concentrated version of his last. But what it lacks in change it more than makes up for in pure absoluteness; the songs are dense,the rhythms are hypnotic and the guitars are a perfect blend of gentle and abrasive. Get wrecked, find nature, listen to this THIS

Animal Collective: Strawberry Jam

Yes! So weird and wonderful! Strawberry Jam sounds like drugs!. I'm a believer! Check out Peacebone and enjoy!

Bjork: Volta

I remember reading a few times that this was a return to form for Bjork. I personally thought she's never been off form. Anyway, Volta definitely was a vibrant album and accessable at that. The album also features some quality contributions from Chris Corsano, anthony and many more. Oh yeah, and the video to Earth Intruders is pretty cool aswell

Andrew Bird: Armchair Apocrypha

I started off the year on a brilliant note; seeing Joanna Newsom play in the Queen Elizabeth Hall, Melbourne. Not only was I suprised to see her being supported by Bill Calahan/Smog but also Andrew Bird. I'd never seen or heard of him before and was immediately hooked by his subtle but intense brilliance. With Armchair.. we found Andrew showing off his intelligent pop with calm confidence. On first listen the songs seem effortless. Give it another go and you'll see how complex some of the arrangements are. And he's quite a whistler to boot!

Thurston Moore: Trees Outside the Academy

Not content with being the frontman for one of the greatest rock groups ever (Sonic Youth), Thurston thought he'd bring out a stunning album of his own this year. In parts Trees was as much of a sonic onslaught as anything the Youth have done in recent memories. However, a sizeable chunk of the album was on a more laid-back melodic trip, which almost came accross like The Stooges gone folk! Thurston you dog!

Bill Callahan: Woke on a Whaleheart

With a change of name (from the longrunning Smog), came a change of spirit. If Bill's predecessor was a farewell cry to his old gloomy days, then Woke on a Whaleheart is a born-again pion to brighter times ahead. Or something.
Anyway, the album shines and Bill's voice seems to have reached maximum richness, exemplified in songs such as Diamond Dancer. We're just waiting for the Bill/Joanna duets album now.

How to spot thievery at Christmas.

2007-12-17T13:36:00.000-08:00

Bonjour!
I thought I'd get into the Christmas spirit today, with it being the season of goodwill and everything. The only problem is that I feel hard pushed to find anything worth saying about Christmas that hasn't been said before..?
We've all heard the songs, bought the gifts and felt jack frost nipping at our noses. No doubt by the time Christmas day eventually rolls round we'll all be sick to our back teeth of it. 'Bahh Humbug'.
But no matter how much we get slapped round the face by all this seasonal sloganeering, there will always be amusing things to keep the holiday interesting. Stealing is one that springst to my mind. Especially as today I witnessed somebody attempting to steal a turkey from a crowded supermarket. Seriously, this turkey wasn't subtle. I'm talking a big fat frozen mother of a turkey. One the whole street could feast on. So I thought I'd provide a quick guide, listing all the tell-tale signs of Christmas thievery; examples we should all be looking out for if we don't want our prescious, innocent holiday being spoiled and flushed down the toilet! So with no further nonsense, here we go:

1. There is a man in a christmas tree shop whose mid-section is shaped like a christmas tree. He will most probably smell strongly of pine and walk with obvious discomfort while humming jingle bells in a rubbish attempt at blending in.

2. In an uncharacteristic act of generosity, your 16 year old son buys you a yacht as a stocking filler.

3. Everything you bought for christmas is no longer there (duhh)

4. A shifty looking guy is perched on top of your roof on christmas eve. He is sat by the chimney with a baseball bat and a bottle of reindeer tranquilisers.

5. You see a man hurtling himself out of the local department store dragging a plump elderly man by his long whit beard screaming 'I have the spirit of Christmas'

6 and 7. Old moustachio followed by young Janet Jackson (explained below)

8. (a classic example of institutional corruption) Santa Claus rocks up in a pimped out new diamond encrusted suit while his trusty reindeers appear malnourished and on the verge of collapse.

9. All your presents are on crimewatch.

10. These two men turn up on your doorstep shortly before the big day:

Jo Whiley Must Die!

2007-12-13T09:58:00.000-08:00

There, I said it. If I have to listen to that arse-booshed, horse-voiced, pretentious piece of idiot, rambling on in her overly-contrived dry tones about the next big 9-5 indie rockstar/businessman one more time I might be forced to lobotomise myself with a crab-claw. I know that might sound extreme but honestly, I think I'm allergic to her.
And how she gloats can seriously get on my wick; 'Oh I have to pinch myself sometimes, I just love this job so much'. Shut uppa your face Jo, a trained monkey could do your job. That is of course if they trained the monkey to say things like: 'Wow, that was amazing guys, here's Mika'
Come to think of it, I wonder what would happen if Jo and Mika were to spawn a love-child????.....

Yeah, something like that.

First post on man vs squirrel

2007-12-12T12:52:00.000-08:00

Now then bitches,

Welcome to Man vs Squirrel!

First of all, the reason for the seemingly random name, in a nutshell (get it?): randomness, the realisation that squirrels are actually quite evil and finally, frustation that all my other selections were already in use (damn you blogger).

So there you have it. Any questions?

OK then, I'll proceed.

So I'm sat by my computer listening to Andrew Bird and eating some cheese. It's Christmas time and the turkey is getting plump. I don't feel Christmassy yet as the house doesn't smell like pine and I'm not drunk. I am thinking about success. Here is a picture of a successful man I found on google:

I think the image says it all.

Which leads me to think about my current life situation as well as the last couple of years. You see, I've just returned from many different countries and now find myself working two extremely bad jobs. Bad in the sense that you certainly wouldn't associate them with the man above. Not that I'm punching above my weight or anything. All I'm saying is that I didn't really spend three years at university to spend half my week selling tinned steak to people that don't know if the steak inside the tin is cooked or not and the other half telling 12 year olds to be quiet while Fred Claus is on.

So I thought I'd write.

About music. About film. About travel. About successful men and women. About the relation between my jobs and the junk I consume on the internet. About food. About other stupid shit.

There you have it.

Here's a video of a drunk squirrel. HA!