How to spot thievery at Christmas.

Bonjour!
I thought I'd get into the Christmas spirit today, with it being the season of goodwill and everything. The only problem is that I feel hard pushed to find anything worth saying about Christmas that hasn't been said before..?
We've all heard the songs, bought the gifts and felt jack frost nipping at our noses. No doubt by the time Christmas day eventually rolls round we'll all be sick to our back teeth of it. 'Bahh Humbug'.
But no matter how much we get slapped round the face by all this seasonal sloganeering, there will always be amusing things to keep the holiday interesting. Stealing is one that springst to my mind. Especially as today I witnessed somebody attempting to steal a turkey from a crowded supermarket. Seriously, this turkey wasn't subtle. I'm talking a big fat frozen mother of a turkey. One the whole street could feast on. So I thought I'd provide a quick guide, listing all the tell-tale signs of Christmas thievery; examples we should all be looking out for if we don't want our prescious, innocent holiday being spoiled and flushed down the toilet! So with no further nonsense, here we go:

1. There is a man in a christmas tree shop whose mid-section is shaped like a christmas tree. He will most probably smell strongly of pine and walk with obvious discomfort while humming jingle bells in a rubbish attempt at blending in.

2. In an uncharacteristic act of generosity, your 16 year old son buys you a yacht as a stocking filler.

3. Everything you bought for christmas is no longer there (duhh)

4. A shifty looking guy is perched on top of your roof on christmas eve. He is sat by the chimney with a baseball bat and a bottle of reindeer tranquilisers.

5. You see a man hurtling himself out of the local department store dragging a plump elderly man by his long whit beard screaming 'I have the spirit of Christmas'

6 and 7. Old moustachio followed by young Janet Jackson (explained below)


8. (a classic example of institutional corruption) Santa Claus rocks up in a pimped out new diamond encrusted suit while his trusty reindeers appear malnourished and on the verge of collapse.

9. All your presents are on crimewatch.

10. These two men turn up on your doorstep shortly before the big day: